Change

I can feel change in on the horizon--I'm restless, can't sleep because my mind is crowded with the unknown. I'm usually so excited this time of year--a change in season and the anticipation of the holidays always brings me such joy...yet this year I'm holding back. It's like I'd rather be numb, a walking zombie and just get through the day. Maybe if I don't let myself FEEL, I will be okay and change won't hurt as bad.

I know I'm being cryptic. But it's difficult to explain because most of the change I'm referring to has more to do with change occurring outside of my life, so I have no control over it, which is worse.

But change is inevitable. I have no choice but to let it come and do my best to adjust. I tell myself that everything always turns out as it should, even if it's not what I thought I wanted or needed at the time.

Just when life is calm and I think I've got it all figured out--BOOM! I'm knocked to the ground and forced to re-evaluate everything all over again. It's humbling really.

Even when I express my gratitude for my life to the universe, yell it out from a mountain top or whisper in a prayer, still there is change. Can I please stop time for just one moment or two? I would look at those around me in such a different light...and I would hold them for so much longer.

If only I could:
Dance to "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole with my Grandpa Guerrero...

Go back to Christmas Day at my house last year when I had my parents, brother and sister and our families all in the same room...

Go back to my wedding day...

Go back to the day Ava was born, the first time I held her...

Walk through Butchart Gardens in Victoria, BC one more time with Ian and my in-laws, Jim and Sheryl Flynn...

So many memories I wish I could experience again, knowing even more now how important it is to truly live in the moment.

And even as I type, the clock is ticking.